Whose problem is it anyway?

My 12 year old daughter leaves her homework at home and then calls and wants me to bring it to her. This happens at least once a week!! What do I do?

If a child only calls a few times a year, it could certainly be okay to occasionally help out and rescue a responsible child. However, if a child chronically leaves their homework, instrument, or lunch money at home and then asks us to solve their problem, it teaches them that we are the solution to their problem. It doesn’t allow them to develop critical thinking skills and use the part of their brain to think through - “What have I done? Where did I put it? How can I work this out?”, and then determine what needs to happen. This thinking occurs when they experience the natural consequences of forgetting their homework, lunch money, etc. These natural consequences might be in the form of no credit for a homework assignment, or missing a band rehearsal, or eating whatever the school may provide for lunch. These experiences can provide just enough discomfort to make an impact and generally help children decide “What will I do differently next time?” or “Where should I put my homework so I won’t forget it?”

When your daughter calls, first respond with genuine empathy and say, “oohhhh…… I can see that this is really hard for you.” To which your daughter may respond with “It is!!” Then say, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated. Hopefully you’ll be able to work something out with your teacher. Good luck honey. If anyone can think of something that will work, I’m sure it will be you.”

This helps her to think creatively and come up with a possible solution and see that you trust her and have confidence in her. She may not be happy initially, but eventually she will learn to leave items at home less and less often. Remember, after they have received the “consequence”; do not discuss it unless they bring it up. And NO NAGGING OR REMINDING OR WARNINGS!

This scenario can apply to ALL school aged children. Remember, the cost is always cheaper at the current price. Would you rather have your second grader learn about what happens when he forgets his homework and then gets a "zero" or your sophmore, when grades are counted toward geting into college?

Teach the expectation first! Model the behavior for them and then let empathy and consequences do the teaching.