Question/Answer - Bullying

I have a ten year old son who is using his large size to intimidate others, including me, his mother.  What can I do to stop this bullying behavior?

First, consider the following questions:
   1) Is there something provoking this bullying behavior?
   2) Is there a place this kid is being bullied? (school, on-line, sibling)
   3) How is this person being parented?  Is it in aggressive, angry fashion? Is it one parent or both?

Whatever the situation may be, when interacting with a child who is “bullying” it is important to:

• Make sure that you provide a place that your child can be HEARD.  Many times a child uses his size, because it has been more effective than his/her words to gain access to attention.
• Respond slow and low to this child--Keep your words AND tone slow and low so he will feel your calm and respectful.
• Respond with enforceable statements-Tell child what you will do, not what he/she has to do or shouldn’t do.  
• “I am happy to take you to your friends or to help you with your homework when I feel treated with respect AND I feel treated with respect when you use calm, respectful words and actions with me.”
• Hold child accountable by using enforceable statements to follow through with a consequence when a child gets physical or uses size to intimidate. Be consistent.
• Remove self from situation if you or your child is not calm AND only continue when it is calm.  MODEL THIS CONSISTENTLY!
• When child approaches you aggressively, say something like: “Oh buddy…..  I am happy to talk to you when we can both be calm.” Then slowly leave the situation.  Resist the urge to get the last word in. Do this EVERY TIME aggressive behavior is shown (by anyone).
• Model that bullying is not effective to get you to compromise or negotiate
• Pay attention to triggers and step in before they escalate. Offer choices before the child becomes resistant. “Hey…. It looks like you guys are having a little too much fun. Do you want a 3 or 5 minute break?”

If the bullying is happening at school, support the school with whatever consequences they have set up, while being supportive of your child and teaching conflict resolution techniques when the going is good.  5 Steps to Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems (Click here for the 5 Steps.)

If you aren’t sure if you or your spouse is using your size and strength in a way that feels like bullying to your child, think about the way it may look from your child's perspective when you are angry. Consider your proximity, tone, contact, gestures, etc.   

One way to discover what it might be like for your child is to do role-play reversal.

• Let the child be the parent and you be the child.  
• State the situation (You just drew with Markers all over the walls; You are sitting watching a movie you shouldn’t when it is chore time; You refuse to pick up the mess they made or do their family job. You just got caught in a lie.)
• Make it “playful” and give them permission to be real.
• Be willing to listen as it may be painful.
• Then have them act out the way they would like the conversation to go.  
• Point out the differences in the role-plays.
• Talk about what the difference between calm and respectful and aggressive and angry feel like and how it end up working out for them.  

-Learn and do a little better.